July 26, 2023

The limbo of future

This is a promise to myself. To never speak in future tense. Have you noticed? All I've been sharing on OFC and BR is what they will become. Almost nothing about what they are now.

The more I speak in future tense the more disconnected I feel from today. I'm living in the future. Today is just a transit. But this transition is taking too long. It feels like forever. It starting to feel a lot like a limbo. Get me out of here. When will this pass? When is the next flight? When will I reach home?

My mind is living in a lie. An illusion. My body is feeling it sometimes. It becomes tense. It feels like a weight to my mind. Mentally I'm living in 2025. Sometimes even 2027. I'm feeling at peace. I'm feeling proud of my work. I see the result of my sacrifices. The many presence I've killed to reach this destination.

What a nightmare. It's just an illusion. I'm no fortune teller. To hell with this crystal ball. Who knows what happens then. Why sacrifice the now? For a future that is not guaranteed.

What's so bad about now anyway?

I'm alive. I'm healthy. I'm surrounded by love. Family is here. Maybe not exactly at this spot of earth. But we are looking at the same sky. Walking on this blue dot, in the magnificent universe, breathing the same air. Wondering the same thoughts. Going through the same pain. Sharing the same joy. What a beautiful life. Working on my dreams with teams I always wished for. What else could I wish for?

I'm lucky.
I'm happy.
I'm here.

To say otherwise, is just an act of stupidity. Sure, sometimes I get caught up in challenges I have ahead of me. Or obstacles I'm facing now. But all are momentarily. All will pass. Nothing lasts. So why waste now?

So here I am.
Sharing this with you now.

I'm making changes. To the way I live. The way I work. The way I plan. I was too longterm. Thinking I was too smart. Then I became too short-term, thinking my time was too short.

Now I just am.
I'm content with my present.
I do what I can with what I have now.

I am here.

Hi : )