May 12, 2023
Evolution through experimentation.
It's been almost half a year since I decided to go homeless. I don't mean living on the street, although one day, I'm planning to do so. But I mean living without owning or renting a place. And I'm on track to continue it for at least another 6 months to reach my one year goal.
I stay at hotels but mostly airbnbs, booked weekly. Every Sunday, I switch place. Even if I like the place. That's the constraint.
Initially that trigged panic attacks. My concept of safety was challenged. Not having a place to go home to, specially on days or nights when I felt very tired or sad, made me feel extremely vulnerable.
But a few months into the experiment, through the discomfort, I found peace. The concept of home or safety transitioned from being this external place to internal. Within, I felt home. Calm. At peace.
I started this experiment following my previous one. Which was not to buy new pieces of clothes for a year. Which initially triggered some interesting anxiety. I felt agitated. Bored of myself.
Mostly because I used to go for a makeover type of shopping whenever I needed a refresh. I used to donate everything I owned, once or twice a year, and renew my closet to create a new character. To help form a new identity to help me overcome the next challenges. A human form of shedding my skin to evolve I thought.
Couple of months into that experiment, I started caring less about how I seem to people. There was also an interesting shift to how I used to approach my work meetings, where I previously used to dress to impress. My confidence transitioned from how I look to how I feel or who I am. Another transition from external to internal. I started feeling less fragmented and more authentic. Once again, I found peace. Within.
This is not a new way of life for me. I've always been designing experiments to challenge myself. As a kid, I was just unaware of what I was doing. As an example, I used to have a rule at the age of 6 or 7. The rule was simple. I could only wear my good clothes if I did well in school. Only when I felt like I deserved them. If I didn't do well then, I would limit myself by wearing my least favourite clothes. That's my polite way of saying I wore the stuff I hated.
I started this because my parents didn't set any boundaries for me. I think. They didn't push me to do well in school nor did they punish or limit my access when I did poorly. I think because of this, I created ways to motivate and discipline myself.
So I started forming all of these experiments. To challenge my comfort, to create discomfort, just to evolve. Mutate almost. Part of me even thinks I unconsciously got myself into the situation I am in now. To become someone that doesn't have a citizenship anywhere in this world.
I have to say, my deportations grew my life. They were all blessings. The first one taught me that I had a choice in how I felt. The second taught me that I had a choice in who I am. And the third taught me that I no longer need to seek. I already have all I need. I even think the true meaning of "What you seek, you shall find" means you should stop seeking.
For the first time, in a long time, I feel happy. Hopeful. And at peace. With where I am. Who I am. And what I can do for others. I had to get kicked out of my home 3 times, to learn I've always been at home.
Life update — A week ago, I moved to Turkey. My visa expired in Thailand and I couldn't renew it. Giving up everything I worked for in the past 4 years taught me a lot. I share it here one day. But for now, I'm happy I came out.
Turkey is going to be my new home for the next year or so. If you are here, or planning to take a trip here, let me know. Happy to meet.
This is to finding peace through discomfort.
Current Airbnb at Istanbul.
Traveling this Sunday to Bodrum.